The Ladder

Well someone else in my family managed to do something "amazing" and "wonderful" before I have even accomplished something that can be seen as normal.  First my sister gets engaged, and I have to hear about that for months.  Nothing but pictures of her ring and the couple of them together flashing said ring all over facebook.  After that died down my brother, who can do no wrong, is proving himself to be even more amazing in the eyes of anyone looking.  He has decided to move back to Colorado after graduating college.  This of course has elated Tom and he will be on cloud nine throwing himself at the feet of his only God given son.  I will be forgotten.  Anyone that wants to debate me on that, can ask any of my very good friends that have seen this happen any year that Bryan comes to visit.  I'm serious.  It's like he's Jesus and the whole state is made of water.

In the middle of all this my step sister finally popped out her baby.  The baby that nearly cut my dad's visit to see me short, because her mother is a "hover mom."  Now today I have seen no less than four pictures and two posts about the baby, then the baby and her mom, and then the three generations together AND THEN...the four generations together.  Nothing but "OMG she's so great."  "What a miracle."  "She's amazing"  "She's fantastic, what a good mom."(and no response to my personal text message directly to my step mom saying congrats I might add)  On and on and on... I can hear the rungs cracking just before they give way and send me sliding down to the bottom of the ladder.

I don't want to sound like I'm whining, but I know that I am.   I am just so tired of everyone getting all the epic attention.  Everyone else is worth more than I am.  Everyone else has made something of themselves that my family can be proud of.  I have done nothing noteworthy.  I get no attention.  I'm struggling for money, in a dead end job, unable to get a new one no matter how many interviews I go to, I don't even own a house.  How did I fall so far behind?  I'm not even sure.  What bothers me most I suppose is that the people getting the attention are the ones that don't need it.  They don't need help, they don't need encouragement.  I do.  I need to know that while sitting here fighting a battle no one even notices, that I'm brave and I am still doing a good job.  I need to know I'm not a bad person and that I'm worth the love and attention that everyone else seems to get so readily.  I'm tired of holding it together just long enough to get to a quiet moment by myself and then realize how run down, scared and alone I feel.  That's when I cry.  Just because I don't let anyone see it, doesn't mean it doesn't happen.  Is that what strength is?  I doubt it.  I don't feel strong.

I'm not perfect, they are.  Does that make me any less worthy of your praise or love? 

Storms in my Mind

I get very introspective when it rains.  Something about the quiet roll of thunder and patter of raindrops on leaves makes my heart open.  I started thinking about how I'd love to do photography again, after standing on the porch taking shots of glittering water falling from our hanging plant and zucchini flowers.

My grandfather was a photographer, and my dad has always been into it, even if it wasn't professionally.  Last year I was told I had a good eye like my grandpa and I wish I could turn that into a career that I would enjoy.  Then I second guess myself.  I look at my picutres and don't know if they are really any good at all.  No one ever seems to react to them so I don't know if I'm the only one who loves a shot or not.  I also don't really know a darn thing about Photography.

Then I was sitting around listening to some real oldies.  In this world of hip hop, gangsta rap and bad pop we have forgotten about the golden oldies that allowed us to warp music like we have.  Even the old stations that played oldies, now only play a block of music starting in the late 80's and moving forward.  I knew the day would come when the music I grew up with would become "oldies" but I was not prepared for the day when we would lose Buddy Holly, The Zombies and even a good portion of the Beetles.  How can we have forgotten that?  Why does the world assume that no one wants to hear those songs anymore?  I am baffled by this, and I find myself wanting to scoop up the music so that I will still have that part of history to share with my children.  We still have classical stations, why not oldies?

As the world moves forward, I wish some times we'd look back and take a moment to bring something forward again to show the children growing up.  It's their past too and they get cheated quite often.

I'll stop my ranting now and share two pictures I took yesterday after the rain.

Dreaming of You

It makes me sad to know that I will never get to be a part of the insanity that would be Celine's wedding.  Last night I had a dream about that wonderful kind of insanity.  It was exactly how I would imagine her wedding would be.  The bridal party was large and I wasn't included in it directly, but I was still expected to be there to help; her dress was a dollop of white glitter fitted to her exact specifications and we were aboard a flying cruise ship.  Yes, no expense was spared for the youngest of her family and she was borderline bridezilla in a fun way, the fun way that pushed me to my limits and forced me out in the the great world to become someone a little different than I am now.

I am honestly sad that I will not ever get to see this dream become reality.  I know that, although I would likely have to give up a portion of my life for a month or so, it would be worth it and I would inevitably enjoy it.  I would learn to roll with the punches again, I would laugh, I would cry and in the end I would come home changed just a little, because that's how Celine and her mother effected me.  I miss that and every time I think about it, I am heart sick over the thought that I did something to offend them, or something to make them never want to talk to me again.  I still to this day have no idea what that something was.  I wish I did because I could apologize for it.  Not that it would do me any good, but I would at least feel better. 

Two years later and I still dream about a crazy friendship that I treasure.  I don't like losing friends, so I hold on to them in my dreams, hoping one day for their return.  Perhaps for a wedding on cruise ship in the clouds.

Rain

I could sit and listen to the rain fall all night.  The patter of each drop accompanied by a tympani of thunder.

If I could, I would be in it, or at least close to it.  Perhaps in a chair on a patio, watching as the lightning illuminated the world. Blue flashes reflecting off the curves of each cloud.  Showing a brief glimpse of the world now shrouded in darkness. 

My heart is sick, and the slow trickle of a midnight storm seems to be it's one comfort.  Where I am and what I must do makes no differences here.  Every drop consoles my battered soul.  They tell me it's alright, your bravery is not needed here. 

I could cry if I wanted but the sky has taken up that mantle and allowed me a moment of peace.

For some reason today I am just feeling all out of sorts.  I suppose I have work to thank for that.  Yesterday was a very emotional day.  Today I woke up with a headache and just feeling not right.  Everything makes me feel insecure and alone.  I don't quite understand why. 

For instance my boyfriend mentioned that his brother has a new "lady friend."  The first thing I did was get that nasty feeling that I always get when I feel like things are going to change.  It's hard to describe but I get very apprehensive and protective.  Overly protective.  It happens most times when one of my friends gets a new boyfriend/girlfriend.  Now, that said, it doesn't happen every time.  I think of it like my spidey sense for people.  I often think it's just my jealousy being rampant so I just chide myself and eventually decide to let it go.  The thing is I'm rarely wrong when I get that feeling and it's the initial feeling, not the one I end up feeling has changed later.  I've only been off on my thinking once, and it was more that I thought the person would be okay and they just kind of dropped out of my friend's life suddenly.  Not cool.  But I don't think he was a bad person, just not on the same page as she was.  I don't really know.  

Anyway, tomorrow I am going to be forced to meet this new "lady friend."  I was really apprehensive about that in particular.  Now I find myself worrying about the strangest things.  Like that for some reason she is going to force me out of the equation all together.  That my boyfriend might leave me because of this.  I can't imagine how that would happen, and I doubt that would be the case, but I am still feeling insecure about it.  I feel so distanced from him all of a sudden and I don't know why.  

I sound paranoid, I know.  Or crazy, perhaps both.  And maybe I am, but I can't ignore it.  I'd like to blame the dreary weather or the headache I've had all day.  I am hoping when I get up tomorrow all of this will have gone away and I will be back to normal. 

Getting all that out helps.  I think I'll end with a little thingy I wrote yesterday morning while waiting for work.  Not very long, because I didn't have very long to write it.  :D  I wish I'd been able to expand on it.  I love very early mornings, they have so much depth, so much promise.  It feels different, like something is touching my soul, even if it's just briefly as I walk to my car.  The feeling of magic and promise.  I wish I could actually stand and just enjoy it. 

The sun hadn't risen yet, but it was trying; bathing the  sky in a hazy light around the edges.  Moisture was in the air, I could smell it and feel it through a chill in my spine. 

Turning a new leaf

I just picked up my old journal, yes, the hand written kind.  I still prefer that to typing, though I can type faster than I can write, which I think is funny.  Anyway, I picked it up and flipped to the last entry.  Almost a year ago I was frustrated and searching for a new job while my current one was going through a change in managers.  Funny, that's exactly what's going on now.  There are a few differences, the amount of interviews, and the amount of new managers, but the biggest difference is that I feel like I'm better.  After this last round of interviews I don't feel resigned or upset, I feel...okay.  Just okay.  Not happy or settled, but okay.  I guess that's a step in the right direction. 

This year I have been trying hard to reconcile with myself.  I've been trying to get myself to mellow out and do somethings I know are good for me and my soul.  I made a resolution at New Years, an odd thing for me.  I gave myself the goal of read three books.  It's not a big goal, it's not even something important or life changing.  But to me it's a big deal.  I haven't finished a book in many years.  But just last month I finished The Lost Symbol and was so excited that I just about threw myself a party.  I've started another book now, one recommended by a former coworker. If I can finish it, that will be two of my goal of three.  That's an exciting thought. 

Its also come to me that I spend far too much time fussing over my computer and need to spend much more on the many projects I have.  Which has then lead me to realize more about myself.  I am working on a baby blanket now for someone, then my friend Carissa told me she was pregnant and now I will be making one for her as well.  Then there is the matter of my Halloween costume, which is a big project this year. I want to get it started very soon, because Carissa is the one taking pictures again this year and if she's too pregnant she won't be in any place to take pictures.  To top off my list of projects is the small, and seemingly easy task of designing a costume for Ben.  You would think this would be easy for me to do, but it's not.  It was the simple question of another former coworker that made me think about something. 

My old co worker, Monika asked me to design her a dress for her second wedding anniversary.  I had to decline because I just don't have the time and I am not talented enough to make a dress with no pattern.  It was at that moment, thinking about how much stuff I have to do, that I realized this is the stuff I should really be doing.  I wish I could do it for my job, but that's harder than anyone thinks.  So I need to start really nurturing these things.  This is the stuff that dreams are made of and that as a child I always wanted to be able to create all these things and I've done it.  I do it well enough that people actually want me to do it for them.  I am really really proud of that.  I may have failed a lot of things in my life so far, but I have succeeded in something that is very important to me without even realizing that I did. 

Its with that thought that I have been able to keep myself sort of happy lately.  Sure I have yet another new manager at work, sure my job sucks and they abuse me in every way possible.  But I have these little things to make me feel worth it.  Add those little things to the people in my life that I love and love me back, and I feel better about my situation.  Granted I'm crazy enough that this could all change tomorrow, but so far this whole week I've been able to be in a really good mood.  Here's hoping that means I'm making a turn around and coming out of this depression.