Ramblings

Now that I'm not feeling so angsty, I can maybe publish something of merit.  Not that I have much to say.

I am still feeling like nothing has been changed after the letter I wrote to HR.  Mind you my manager has been out of the office a lot more often. I suppose I should take my small victories where I can get them.  Most everything else is out of my control in any shape or form and that's why I feel so frustrated and close to just giving up.  If anything, my letter served to let her know that I may play nice while at work, but I'm watching and I'm not afraid to put myself on the line to make her walk straight.

Not much else is going on in my world.  I found myself being very introspective around 9/11 and thinking about what I believe the day should stand for.  Ten years later, I don't feel as much hatred surrounding the event, or fear.  Today, people honor the bravery of those that lost their lives.  There isn't a person who died that day that wasn't brave for just knowing they were facing their own death.  In the case of the people on the plane, they knew they were going to die but they were going to make sure no one else did if they could help it.  I can not even pretend that I would be that brave faced with the same situation and so I honor that kind of commitment and bravery.   I hope that we continue to move forward, bettering ourselves and learning that hate is not the answer, that hate was the problem.  If anything, the people that died deserve to be the ones really remembered, not those that took their lives.

I have started the first of two baby blankets for my two expecting friends.  I got the chance to show her the yarns in one of the granny squares when I went to her shower.  She said it was perfect and I was overjoyed to know that I had not lost my touch on picking out just the right yarn.  :)  I have the first two skeins of yarn for the second blanket but I haven't started it yet.  I can only do one big project at a time.  I still have to finish my Alice dress.  Vacation is coming up next week so I'm hoping to put in some work then on the costume.  Hopefully I can get it going again and also put a dent in the blanket.  I only have to make 60 squares this time I think so that's a vast improvement over the 160 some odd I had to make for the last one.  I don't think this one will take nearly as long.  At least it better not, since I want to give it to her before the baby is born in November!

I want to read, or write something.  I am so close to finishing my 3 books for this year.  It was my new years resolution to read at least three, since in the past few years I haven't finished one.  It's important to me to get that third book read.  Sadly, one will be the book my district manager forced me to read.  I wish it didn't count as the third book, but at the same time it's a book and if I finish it then I've read three this year.  I can't argue with that. 

The Ladder

Well someone else in my family managed to do something "amazing" and "wonderful" before I have even accomplished something that can be seen as normal.  First my sister gets engaged, and I have to hear about that for months.  Nothing but pictures of her ring and the couple of them together flashing said ring all over facebook.  After that died down my brother, who can do no wrong, is proving himself to be even more amazing in the eyes of anyone looking.  He has decided to move back to Colorado after graduating college.  This of course has elated Tom and he will be on cloud nine throwing himself at the feet of his only God given son.  I will be forgotten.  Anyone that wants to debate me on that, can ask any of my very good friends that have seen this happen any year that Bryan comes to visit.  I'm serious.  It's like he's Jesus and the whole state is made of water.

In the middle of all this my step sister finally popped out her baby.  The baby that nearly cut my dad's visit to see me short, because her mother is a "hover mom."  Now today I have seen no less than four pictures and two posts about the baby, then the baby and her mom, and then the three generations together AND THEN...the four generations together.  Nothing but "OMG she's so great."  "What a miracle."  "She's amazing"  "She's fantastic, what a good mom."(and no response to my personal text message directly to my step mom saying congrats I might add)  On and on and on... I can hear the rungs cracking just before they give way and send me sliding down to the bottom of the ladder.

I don't want to sound like I'm whining, but I know that I am.   I am just so tired of everyone getting all the epic attention.  Everyone else is worth more than I am.  Everyone else has made something of themselves that my family can be proud of.  I have done nothing noteworthy.  I get no attention.  I'm struggling for money, in a dead end job, unable to get a new one no matter how many interviews I go to, I don't even own a house.  How did I fall so far behind?  I'm not even sure.  What bothers me most I suppose is that the people getting the attention are the ones that don't need it.  They don't need help, they don't need encouragement.  I do.  I need to know that while sitting here fighting a battle no one even notices, that I'm brave and I am still doing a good job.  I need to know I'm not a bad person and that I'm worth the love and attention that everyone else seems to get so readily.  I'm tired of holding it together just long enough to get to a quiet moment by myself and then realize how run down, scared and alone I feel.  That's when I cry.  Just because I don't let anyone see it, doesn't mean it doesn't happen.  Is that what strength is?  I doubt it.  I don't feel strong.

I'm not perfect, they are.  Does that make me any less worthy of your praise or love? 

The Want

Thanks to a mention from a friend of mine, I'm looking into DSLR camera's.  I would love to have a great camera for nature shots.  They are very expensive however.  I am battling with the want to have one, and the logical side telling me that there is no possible use and I'd be spending lots of money on.  So far it's just a thought, especially since I haven't found one that I really like.  The Nikon is up there though, and it's the one I always think of.

In other news I have started another baby blanket.  One of the two for my very good friends.  For this one I am using two yarns at once, a white yarn and a multi colored yarn.  It's beautiful so far, looking kind of like an opal and kind of like a snowflake.  :D  That's the best description I can come up with.

I applied for another job the other day.  The opening closes on the 24th, so I doubt I'll hear anything before then.  I may have a chance in hell of getting it, but I'll apply anyway.  Maybe fate will shine on me.  I can only hope, because I want a new job so bad that it's not even funny.   If I could just get a new job I could fix some of the problems plaguing my life, such as i could be happier and nicer to deal with.  That and I would be able to help my roommate with her massive depression.  I don't know how, but I just can't help feeling this would help somehow.

Storms in my Mind

I get very introspective when it rains.  Something about the quiet roll of thunder and patter of raindrops on leaves makes my heart open.  I started thinking about how I'd love to do photography again, after standing on the porch taking shots of glittering water falling from our hanging plant and zucchini flowers.

My grandfather was a photographer, and my dad has always been into it, even if it wasn't professionally.  Last year I was told I had a good eye like my grandpa and I wish I could turn that into a career that I would enjoy.  Then I second guess myself.  I look at my picutres and don't know if they are really any good at all.  No one ever seems to react to them so I don't know if I'm the only one who loves a shot or not.  I also don't really know a darn thing about Photography.

Then I was sitting around listening to some real oldies.  In this world of hip hop, gangsta rap and bad pop we have forgotten about the golden oldies that allowed us to warp music like we have.  Even the old stations that played oldies, now only play a block of music starting in the late 80's and moving forward.  I knew the day would come when the music I grew up with would become "oldies" but I was not prepared for the day when we would lose Buddy Holly, The Zombies and even a good portion of the Beetles.  How can we have forgotten that?  Why does the world assume that no one wants to hear those songs anymore?  I am baffled by this, and I find myself wanting to scoop up the music so that I will still have that part of history to share with my children.  We still have classical stations, why not oldies?

As the world moves forward, I wish some times we'd look back and take a moment to bring something forward again to show the children growing up.  It's their past too and they get cheated quite often.

I'll stop my ranting now and share two pictures I took yesterday after the rain.

Dreaming of You

It makes me sad to know that I will never get to be a part of the insanity that would be Celine's wedding.  Last night I had a dream about that wonderful kind of insanity.  It was exactly how I would imagine her wedding would be.  The bridal party was large and I wasn't included in it directly, but I was still expected to be there to help; her dress was a dollop of white glitter fitted to her exact specifications and we were aboard a flying cruise ship.  Yes, no expense was spared for the youngest of her family and she was borderline bridezilla in a fun way, the fun way that pushed me to my limits and forced me out in the the great world to become someone a little different than I am now.

I am honestly sad that I will not ever get to see this dream become reality.  I know that, although I would likely have to give up a portion of my life for a month or so, it would be worth it and I would inevitably enjoy it.  I would learn to roll with the punches again, I would laugh, I would cry and in the end I would come home changed just a little, because that's how Celine and her mother effected me.  I miss that and every time I think about it, I am heart sick over the thought that I did something to offend them, or something to make them never want to talk to me again.  I still to this day have no idea what that something was.  I wish I did because I could apologize for it.  Not that it would do me any good, but I would at least feel better. 

Two years later and I still dream about a crazy friendship that I treasure.  I don't like losing friends, so I hold on to them in my dreams, hoping one day for their return.  Perhaps for a wedding on cruise ship in the clouds.

Rain

I could sit and listen to the rain fall all night.  The patter of each drop accompanied by a tympani of thunder.

If I could, I would be in it, or at least close to it.  Perhaps in a chair on a patio, watching as the lightning illuminated the world. Blue flashes reflecting off the curves of each cloud.  Showing a brief glimpse of the world now shrouded in darkness. 

My heart is sick, and the slow trickle of a midnight storm seems to be it's one comfort.  Where I am and what I must do makes no differences here.  Every drop consoles my battered soul.  They tell me it's alright, your bravery is not needed here. 

I could cry if I wanted but the sky has taken up that mantle and allowed me a moment of peace.

No news is good news?

Sometimes I think that no news is bad news.  If all you've had is bad news in the first place then it means nothing has changed.  I have no real news to report. 

I have been on vacation for the last week and it's been awesome.  I got to have fun with many of my friends since I actually had time to do it.  Most importantly though, I finished the rainbow blanket!  The 5 month project has been officially finished.  It's beautiful and I will miss it.  I already feel weird not having it on the sofa next to me and not working on some part of it while watching TV.  But I'm so proud of it and I will be even more proud when I get to hand it over to little Matt.  :)  I hope it means as much to him and his littler girl as it has meant to me to make it.  Now lets see if I'm smart enough to figure out how to post a picture in here. :D 

After finishing the blanket, I knew that I wanted to start my next costume and this week off has allowed me to get a good bit done.  It has two main pieces, the dress and an apron.  The apron is almost finished now. I just have to finish the shoulders then attach the top to the bottom.  After that it's just the embellishments like the ribbon I want to go around it and sewing on the little heart buttons.  Then it's on to the main dress.  That will take much longer.  But hey, one piece is essentially out of the way.

Now for the pictures.  I'll only put up two.