Dreaming of You

It makes me sad to know that I will never get to be a part of the insanity that would be Celine's wedding.  Last night I had a dream about that wonderful kind of insanity.  It was exactly how I would imagine her wedding would be.  The bridal party was large and I wasn't included in it directly, but I was still expected to be there to help; her dress was a dollop of white glitter fitted to her exact specifications and we were aboard a flying cruise ship.  Yes, no expense was spared for the youngest of her family and she was borderline bridezilla in a fun way, the fun way that pushed me to my limits and forced me out in the the great world to become someone a little different than I am now.

I am honestly sad that I will not ever get to see this dream become reality.  I know that, although I would likely have to give up a portion of my life for a month or so, it would be worth it and I would inevitably enjoy it.  I would learn to roll with the punches again, I would laugh, I would cry and in the end I would come home changed just a little, because that's how Celine and her mother effected me.  I miss that and every time I think about it, I am heart sick over the thought that I did something to offend them, or something to make them never want to talk to me again.  I still to this day have no idea what that something was.  I wish I did because I could apologize for it.  Not that it would do me any good, but I would at least feel better. 

Two years later and I still dream about a crazy friendship that I treasure.  I don't like losing friends, so I hold on to them in my dreams, hoping one day for their return.  Perhaps for a wedding on cruise ship in the clouds.

Rain

I could sit and listen to the rain fall all night.  The patter of each drop accompanied by a tympani of thunder.

If I could, I would be in it, or at least close to it.  Perhaps in a chair on a patio, watching as the lightning illuminated the world. Blue flashes reflecting off the curves of each cloud.  Showing a brief glimpse of the world now shrouded in darkness. 

My heart is sick, and the slow trickle of a midnight storm seems to be it's one comfort.  Where I am and what I must do makes no differences here.  Every drop consoles my battered soul.  They tell me it's alright, your bravery is not needed here. 

I could cry if I wanted but the sky has taken up that mantle and allowed me a moment of peace.

No news is good news?

Sometimes I think that no news is bad news.  If all you've had is bad news in the first place then it means nothing has changed.  I have no real news to report. 

I have been on vacation for the last week and it's been awesome.  I got to have fun with many of my friends since I actually had time to do it.  Most importantly though, I finished the rainbow blanket!  The 5 month project has been officially finished.  It's beautiful and I will miss it.  I already feel weird not having it on the sofa next to me and not working on some part of it while watching TV.  But I'm so proud of it and I will be even more proud when I get to hand it over to little Matt.  :)  I hope it means as much to him and his littler girl as it has meant to me to make it.  Now lets see if I'm smart enough to figure out how to post a picture in here. :D 

After finishing the blanket, I knew that I wanted to start my next costume and this week off has allowed me to get a good bit done.  It has two main pieces, the dress and an apron.  The apron is almost finished now. I just have to finish the shoulders then attach the top to the bottom.  After that it's just the embellishments like the ribbon I want to go around it and sewing on the little heart buttons.  Then it's on to the main dress.  That will take much longer.  But hey, one piece is essentially out of the way.

Now for the pictures.  I'll only put up two. 

Recovery

I wish I could say I had some writing to post, or some art after my long absence.  Alas, I do not.  I was really sick and I'm just coming to realize how out of it I was.  I'm feeling better now thankfully, so I hope I can make some good forward progress on any or all of my projects. 

There are two things I can claim I managed to do.  I finished making all the squares for the rainbow blanket.  I have begun putting them on the main blanket, which will be nearly as arduous as the making of the 160 some odd granny squares.  This puts me on the home stretch for the rainbow blanket and I can see the finish line.  It's still a ways out but I am that much closer to starting the costume. 

I also just finished my second book of the year!  This may seem like a very small thing to anyone else, but to me it's a huge deal.  I have not finished a book in a long time.  A combination of depression and little time have made me a collector of books, not a reader of books.  This year for my resolution (which I never make, but this year I did) I resolved to read at least three books.  I am now done with two and feeling darn proud of myself.  I can feel myself coming out of the tunnel. 

Trying to catch up.

I am still so sick.  I want to do things like clean, go out, crochet, put away laundry, but I can't.  I'm so tired. On the plus side I have a day off today so I might get some of that done.  I only have 10 more squares to make for Matt's blanket and then all that's left is to put it together.  Then I can start on my costume.  I'm so excited to do that.  :) 

That's all my update for now. Hopefully soon I'll have more to talk about.

People amaze me.

I was just sitting here thinking about how people just amaze me.  Not in a good way mind you.  In that way that makes you want to grab them by their shirt and ask them what the hell is wrong with them. 

Take for example the lady I just helped out yesterday.  Now, I will preface this by saying that I understand when money is tight. But there are some things you just should NOT skimp on.   She was looking for a chest clip for her car seat.  The one she had was gone and her child was able to just pull off the straps.  After getting over the shock of the fact that she'd been driving around with her child in a seat that didn't have a chest clip at all, I asked what kind it was and how old it was an all that.  She of course wouldn't tell me straight out, but I guessed from the kind of car seat that it was very old.  Car seats have expiration dates.  You should not use a car seat that is over that date, it is unsafe, you will be found at fault by your insurance company and your child could suffer some nasty injuries from a seat that does not meet all the current safety standards. (especially if it's so old that there were no real tests or standards done on them)  I briefly tried to explain all of this to her, but she just kept saying that they never go anywhere and they didn't have the money for a new one.  I looked at this kid, who was standing up in the basket of the cart, trying to climb out while she wasn't paying attention and felt sorry for him/her.  Obviously the safety of her child was not a priority in this woman's.  I so wanted to slap her and tell her of all the ways she could get help with one and that she was being irresponsible, but I just put the chest clip in her hand and left my guilt trailing behind me. I hope to God she pulls her head out of her ass some time soon and gets something safe for that kiddo. 

Not all of my head shake moments at work are of the sort that you worry about a child living through it's ride home.  Some are laughable. 

The other day I was walking the floor, making sure everyone was alright and I ran across yet another person on their phone.  People are inseparable from their cell phones these days.  It's kind of sad.  This gal was starting her baby registry and was leaning over her cart looking bored with her head mashed into her shoulder to hold up her phone.  I had run across her at least one other time and she had ignored me completely when I had first tried to make sure she was doing okay.  This time she looked up at me and asked me if she could just turn in her registry gun, it was getting in the way of her phone call.  Somehow keeping a straight face I told her of course she could and directed her to the desk. She never put that phone down once, even as she was leaving the store. 

There are more of course, people who tell you they don't need help but are hopelessly lost and just don't want to admit it.  People that break something because they don't want help, then run away.  My least favorite are the ones that think you are the scum of the earth and give you this look when you ask if they are alright, as if you are diseased.  Not all retail workers are out to steal your soul and your wallet to go with. 

With all that, now I must go get ready to go back to the fun of my retail job. 

It must be rain drops falling from my eyes.

The sun was rising on a dreary day.  It had rained all night, apt for how Audrey felt.  She looked out the window into a grey morning and sighed.  The sidewalk turned an abrupt shade of grey where the patio above her stopped protecting it from the rain.  Water droplets clung to blades of grass, scattering in a shimmer as birds landed, and poked around for breakfast.

Breakfast.  The pit in her stomach made the idea of food unappealing.  Still, if she didn't eat something she'd be in a world of hurt by the time she got to lunch at work.  With all the strength she had, she heaved herself off the window sill and wandered into the kitchen.  The nights events played over and over in her mind.  If even he couldn't have any faith in her then it was little wonder that it felt like the whole world was against her.  Why was she doomed to have to scream, scratch and fight to get anyone to take notice of her?  No matter what happened, no one ever listened to a thing she had to say.

Flakes fell in her bowl, clicking and jostling for space.  Audrey forced herself to blink tired eyes.  The motion caused them to water and she used the back of her hand to wipe them.  They weren't tears, she was too numb to cry now, she'd done that most of the night.