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Wednesday, September 28, 2011

The creation of all that I am

The weight is crushing.  These little lives that we have created are nothing more than a dream and yet the weight of their hearts may very well kill me.  Things are out of control, far beyond my reach.  I intended none of this, yet it happened and I must live with the consequences.  Each turn they take endears them more, pushes harder on my heart.  They hurt and I cry real tears.  They triumph and I dance.  I am past connected, I am one with them.  I want all of them to win and none to lose, like children I want only the best.

How is it that I could have created something fictional that effects me so deeply?  Does it effect others the way I hope that it does?  I bear my soul by creating theirs, and I give it freely to be judged because that's what fiction is for.   Is this what I really am?  I hope so.  This is what I always want to be, deep, emotional and fun. 

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


Now that I'm not feeling so angsty, I can maybe publish something of merit.  Not that I have much to say.

I am still feeling like nothing has been changed after the letter I wrote to HR.  Mind you my manager has been out of the office a lot more often. I suppose I should take my small victories where I can get them.  Most everything else is out of my control in any shape or form and that's why I feel so frustrated and close to just giving up.  If anything, my letter served to let her know that I may play nice while at work, but I'm watching and I'm not afraid to put myself on the line to make her walk straight.

Not much else is going on in my world.  I found myself being very introspective around 9/11 and thinking about what I believe the day should stand for.  Ten years later, I don't feel as much hatred surrounding the event, or fear.  Today, people honor the bravery of those that lost their lives.  There isn't a person who died that day that wasn't brave for just knowing they were facing their own death.  In the case of the people on the plane, they knew they were going to die but they were going to make sure no one else did if they could help it.  I can not even pretend that I would be that brave faced with the same situation and so I honor that kind of commitment and bravery.   I hope that we continue to move forward, bettering ourselves and learning that hate is not the answer, that hate was the problem.  If anything, the people that died deserve to be the ones really remembered, not those that took their lives.

I have started the first of two baby blankets for my two expecting friends.  I got the chance to show her the yarns in one of the granny squares when I went to her shower.  She said it was perfect and I was overjoyed to know that I had not lost my touch on picking out just the right yarn.  :)  I have the first two skeins of yarn for the second blanket but I haven't started it yet.  I can only do one big project at a time.  I still have to finish my Alice dress.  Vacation is coming up next week so I'm hoping to put in some work then on the costume.  Hopefully I can get it going again and also put a dent in the blanket.  I only have to make 60 squares this time I think so that's a vast improvement over the 160 some odd I had to make for the last one.  I don't think this one will take nearly as long.  At least it better not, since I want to give it to her before the baby is born in November!

I want to read, or write something.  I am so close to finishing my 3 books for this year.  It was my new years resolution to read at least three, since in the past few years I haven't finished one.  It's important to me to get that third book read.  Sadly, one will be the book my district manager forced me to read.  I wish it didn't count as the third book, but at the same time it's a book and if I finish it then I've read three this year.  I can't argue with that. 

Saturday, September 10, 2011

The Ladder

Well someone else in my family managed to do something "amazing" and "wonderful" before I have even accomplished something that can be seen as normal.  First my sister gets engaged, and I have to hear about that for months.  Nothing but pictures of her ring and the couple of them together flashing said ring all over facebook.  After that died down my brother, who can do no wrong, is proving himself to be even more amazing in the eyes of anyone looking.  He has decided to move back to Colorado after graduating college.  This of course has elated Tom and he will be on cloud nine throwing himself at the feet of his only God given son.  I will be forgotten.  Anyone that wants to debate me on that, can ask any of my very good friends that have seen this happen any year that Bryan comes to visit.  I'm serious.  It's like he's Jesus and the whole state is made of water.

In the middle of all this my step sister finally popped out her baby.  The baby that nearly cut my dad's visit to see me short, because her mother is a "hover mom."  Now today I have seen no less than four pictures and two posts about the baby, then the baby and her mom, and then the three generations together AND THEN...the four generations together.  Nothing but "OMG she's so great."  "What a miracle."  "She's amazing"  "She's fantastic, what a good mom."(and no response to my personal text message directly to my step mom saying congrats I might add)  On and on and on... I can hear the rungs cracking just before they give way and send me sliding down to the bottom of the ladder.

I don't want to sound like I'm whining, but I know that I am.   I am just so tired of everyone getting all the epic attention.  Everyone else is worth more than I am.  Everyone else has made something of themselves that my family can be proud of.  I have done nothing noteworthy.  I get no attention.  I'm struggling for money, in a dead end job, unable to get a new one no matter how many interviews I go to, I don't even own a house.  How did I fall so far behind?  I'm not even sure.  What bothers me most I suppose is that the people getting the attention are the ones that don't need it.  They don't need help, they don't need encouragement.  I do.  I need to know that while sitting here fighting a battle no one even notices, that I'm brave and I am still doing a good job.  I need to know I'm not a bad person and that I'm worth the love and attention that everyone else seems to get so readily.  I'm tired of holding it together just long enough to get to a quiet moment by myself and then realize how run down, scared and alone I feel.  That's when I cry.  Just because I don't let anyone see it, doesn't mean it doesn't happen.  Is that what strength is?  I doubt it.  I don't feel strong.

I'm not perfect, they are.  Does that make me any less worthy of your praise or love?