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Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Mojo Magic

Yesterday was a bad day.  And my mood proved it.  But even through my murderous glances and grumbling to myself, I still managed to do some magic for myself.

My roommate was sick and because she was mostly in her room I went to hide myself away so that my bad mood wouldn't kill anyone else.  Giving myself actual alone time brought about some awesome stuff. First of all I put away my laundry.  *gasp*  I know, I could hardly believe it myself.  More importantly however, I did some art.  Yes, real honest to goodness art.  Not just some piddly little doodle for a dress design or anything.  It was two pictures that took up the whole bloody page!  I was so proud of them.  It's the first thing I've really drawn, with real concerted effort, in a very long time.  Just like getting to finish that book, I feel amazing for having done not one, but two pieces of art yesterday.   Sure I wasn't writing, but drawing counts sometimes for more.  Especially when one does not have the use of her drawing table because it's currently a sewing table/catch all. 

What I need to do now is get the two pictures scanned in and cleaned up.  I took pictures of them with my phone but the quality is not that hot.  Plus they look like they're in sepia tone.  :D  I do want to get them scanned in and cleaned up, that way I can actually post something to my art page.  Woo!  Go me.  I 'm just starting to break down the dam walls that are surrounding my creativity.  There's nothing better than that.  Mind you I'm doing it with a toothpick but hey, I got a couple drops of water out so I'm making progress.  :D 

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Easter rains

I'm feeling not so insecure and whiney now. :D  This is a very good thing.   Mind you the work situation has not improved any and is probably only going to get worse.  *sighs*  I'm just keeping my chin up and soldiering on.  What's that saying?  Keep calm  and carry on?  Or is it Keep calm and eat a cupcake?  Either way I'm in. :) 

It was nice to have Easter off.  I got the chance to do a massive amount of laundry, read my book and thinking about writing.  Think about, not actually do.  I was planning on doing some, but then other family members showed up and there was cooking and grocery shopping and all sorts of other tasks to be done.  The weather was perfect for writing though.  For me anyway.  I don't know why but rain makes me want to write, it kind of calls to my soul. 

I'm not exactly sure what else I wanted to say.  I'm a little tired from fighting with my memory foam bed topper.  XD  hehe.  I guess that's all for tonight.  The roomy is already in bed so I should probably get out of the living room and turn off the lights so she can sleep. 

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

For some reason today I am just feeling all out of sorts.  I suppose I have work to thank for that.  Yesterday was a very emotional day.  Today I woke up with a headache and just feeling not right.  Everything makes me feel insecure and alone.  I don't quite understand why. 

For instance my boyfriend mentioned that his brother has a new "lady friend."  The first thing I did was get that nasty feeling that I always get when I feel like things are going to change.  It's hard to describe but I get very apprehensive and protective.  Overly protective.  It happens most times when one of my friends gets a new boyfriend/girlfriend.  Now, that said, it doesn't happen every time.  I think of it like my spidey sense for people.  I often think it's just my jealousy being rampant so I just chide myself and eventually decide to let it go.  The thing is I'm rarely wrong when I get that feeling and it's the initial feeling, not the one I end up feeling has changed later.  I've only been off on my thinking once, and it was more that I thought the person would be okay and they just kind of dropped out of my friend's life suddenly.  Not cool.  But I don't think he was a bad person, just not on the same page as she was.  I don't really know.  

Anyway, tomorrow I am going to be forced to meet this new "lady friend."  I was really apprehensive about that in particular.  Now I find myself worrying about the strangest things.  Like that for some reason she is going to force me out of the equation all together.  That my boyfriend might leave me because of this.  I can't imagine how that would happen, and I doubt that would be the case, but I am still feeling insecure about it.  I feel so distanced from him all of a sudden and I don't know why.  

I sound paranoid, I know.  Or crazy, perhaps both.  And maybe I am, but I can't ignore it.  I'd like to blame the dreary weather or the headache I've had all day.  I am hoping when I get up tomorrow all of this will have gone away and I will be back to normal. 

Getting all that out helps.  I think I'll end with a little thingy I wrote yesterday morning while waiting for work.  Not very long, because I didn't have very long to write it.  :D  I wish I'd been able to expand on it.  I love very early mornings, they have so much depth, so much promise.  It feels different, like something is touching my soul, even if it's just briefly as I walk to my car.  The feeling of magic and promise.  I wish I could actually stand and just enjoy it. 

The sun hadn't risen yet, but it was trying; bathing the  sky in a hazy light around the edges.  Moisture was in the air, I could smell it and feel it through a chill in my spine. 

Monday, April 18, 2011

Morning Moon

Veiled like a dancer
The moon hid behind thin clouds
as she descended for her morning nap
The silhouette of mountains
Becoming her bed
as the sun woke
blushing the horizon in pink and blue

The moon was so beautiful this morning.  I sat in my car and watched it as it started to set behind the mountains. It was huge and golden and made the clouds look so pretty.  It was breath taking and I enjoyed getting to watch it.  :)  I don't normally do poetry, but it just came out that way.  I actually jotted it down on my phone first this morning.  hehe. 

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Turning a new leaf

I just picked up my old journal, yes, the hand written kind.  I still prefer that to typing, though I can type faster than I can write, which I think is funny.  Anyway, I picked it up and flipped to the last entry.  Almost a year ago I was frustrated and searching for a new job while my current one was going through a change in managers.  Funny, that's exactly what's going on now.  There are a few differences, the amount of interviews, and the amount of new managers, but the biggest difference is that I feel like I'm better.  After this last round of interviews I don't feel resigned or upset, I feel...okay.  Just okay.  Not happy or settled, but okay.  I guess that's a step in the right direction. 

This year I have been trying hard to reconcile with myself.  I've been trying to get myself to mellow out and do somethings I know are good for me and my soul.  I made a resolution at New Years, an odd thing for me.  I gave myself the goal of read three books.  It's not a big goal, it's not even something important or life changing.  But to me it's a big deal.  I haven't finished a book in many years.  But just last month I finished The Lost Symbol and was so excited that I just about threw myself a party.  I've started another book now, one recommended by a former coworker. If I can finish it, that will be two of my goal of three.  That's an exciting thought. 

Its also come to me that I spend far too much time fussing over my computer and need to spend much more on the many projects I have.  Which has then lead me to realize more about myself.  I am working on a baby blanket now for someone, then my friend Carissa told me she was pregnant and now I will be making one for her as well.  Then there is the matter of my Halloween costume, which is a big project this year. I want to get it started very soon, because Carissa is the one taking pictures again this year and if she's too pregnant she won't be in any place to take pictures.  To top off my list of projects is the small, and seemingly easy task of designing a costume for Ben.  You would think this would be easy for me to do, but it's not.  It was the simple question of another former coworker that made me think about something. 

My old co worker, Monika asked me to design her a dress for her second wedding anniversary.  I had to decline because I just don't have the time and I am not talented enough to make a dress with no pattern.  It was at that moment, thinking about how much stuff I have to do, that I realized this is the stuff I should really be doing.  I wish I could do it for my job, but that's harder than anyone thinks.  So I need to start really nurturing these things.  This is the stuff that dreams are made of and that as a child I always wanted to be able to create all these things and I've done it.  I do it well enough that people actually want me to do it for them.  I am really really proud of that.  I may have failed a lot of things in my life so far, but I have succeeded in something that is very important to me without even realizing that I did. 

Its with that thought that I have been able to keep myself sort of happy lately.  Sure I have yet another new manager at work, sure my job sucks and they abuse me in every way possible.  But I have these little things to make me feel worth it.  Add those little things to the people in my life that I love and love me back, and I feel better about my situation.  Granted I'm crazy enough that this could all change tomorrow, but so far this whole week I've been able to be in a really good mood.  Here's hoping that means I'm making a turn around and coming out of this depression. 

New space

I'm not sure exactly what I'm planning on doing here.  I have a blog already but I felt the need to start a new one.  I guess I just needed some new head space. 

Perhaps I'll use it to keep up with my writing.  I dunno.  Anyway.  Yeah.  Here I am.