And another thing

I have to rant, I must get it out of my system.  This time of year just does it to me.  This day in particular does it.  Black Friday.

I work retail, and have for my entire working life.  It's not a glamorous job, and it barely pays my bills, but it's taught me a lot.  It's all I know. This one day out of the year, I find myself angry at the general public.   Sure on any given day John Q. Public is in my store doing stupid things or being a jerk, but hey, that's normal.  I signed up for that.  Mind you, I don't think I fully understood that when I first started working in that little mom and pop store, but I digress. 

Black Friday is nonsense.  It's stupid and John Q Public makes it even worse.  He doesn't seem to understand that the stores are not run by robots.  We don't sleep in the back rooms, ready to pop up the very instant the store opens.  No.  We have families.  We are people.  When you yell at us and call us stupid, it hurts.  When you decide to wait outside of stores for good deals on the Friday following Thanksgiving, we have to be there to let you in.  What does that mean?  That means that many of us have to cut our evenings short so we can go to bed to be up at 2am so we can be at work at 4am and work 10-12 hours.  Or in the case of this year, several people I work with have to just up and leave their Thanksgivings with their families because my sister store opens at 9pm.  That's not fair. 

How would you like it if you had to do that?  You've just eaten and you'd like to sit around enjoying family time or even alone time, but you couldn't because now you have to get up and get ready to go to work.  Everyone else you know is sitting around passed out on the sofa or playing video games or whatever, and you have to leave the one holiday you still get off in a year to wait on a bunch of people who will fight, run each other over and cause general mayhem for 30% off a toy.  Yeah, sounds like the true spirit of giving to me. 

What if it was your daughter/son?  Your granddaughter/grandson?  Would you want them having to drive in the middle of the night?  Would you want them having to deal with throngs of people like that before you've even had your first cup of coffee?  Hell, you'll probably still be in bed when they are calling the police over a fight or a shop lifter.  Remember all those people who got trampled in doorways?  Yeah, John Q Public caused that. 

Hear me out.  Sure the stores make the sales to entice people to come in, but you know what?  They wouldn't do it if no one came.  They couldn't afford to.  It might just allow some of us to enjoy our family time.  I don't choose to get up at 2am tomorrow.  But you choose to make me.  

I get off only two holidays a year; Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I do not get holiday pay for being at work any other time during any other holiday including Easter or the 4th of July.  My company is greedy like that.  And they are greedy enough to decide last year to open our sister store at midnight on Thanksgiving.  This year, they bumped it up to 9pm.  Soon enough we won't get Thanksgiving off at all.  I think that's a tragedy.  Not because of the holiday but because we loose that together time.  I don't get together time with my family.  They are off on days that I am required to work.  I want to be able to enjoy the togetherness of a holiday that is supposed to allow us a break. 

Remember that when you go shopping tomorrow.  Remember that the people behind the counter are real people.  They deserve respect too.  They had to get up so that you could go shopping.  They gave up their holiday so that you could get your discounts. So be nice.  And next time, maybe think twice about that extra 30% off, is it really worth the cost in humanity?  

I'm done ranting now.  I have to go to bed, so I can be up at 2am, 3 if I decide not to eat breakfast. 

rekindling

I have no idea what started it, but all of a sudden I want very badly to draw again.  I want to pick up a pencil and actually draw like I used to.  I was good, I could be better.  I could do so much, but I need to actually DO it.  Much like writing.  Why do I find it so hard to motivate myself to do either of these things for anything other than fun?  If I could get myself to do it seriously I could make money off of some of this stuff.  If I got really serious about it.  I should.  I should at least sit down and color something in photoshop.  But none of it feels comfortable. 

Maybe that's my problem.  I no longer have a space that is really my own to create in.  Before I moved out I had that space.  Now I don't.  And I can't make it either because we have no space.  Tiny apartments do not make for good places to have personal space. 

Idle Fingers

I have been writing every day with my roommate since my birthday week.  It feels good to let my fingers flex while my brain tries to regain some of it's writing ability.  The television has gone unwatched so much so that our DVR is running out of space.  hehe.  I think that's a good thing. 

One of the two babies I have been waiting for arrived at the end of October!  She's beautiful and I can't wait for the chance to meet her in person, even if the blanket I am making for her still isn't done.  I have about 12 more squares to make, but I'm out of yarn and money.  So I started working on the other blanket for the other baby I'm waiting on.  Miss Reilly will be getting a very fluffy blanket.  :D  Miss Anisa is getting a very pretty and sophisticated blanket.  At leas that's how it seems to me.  I should take pictures, especially when I get one of them done. 

Yesterday I discovered that I have a kindred spirit in Thomas at work.  It's been a long time since I"ve connected with someone like that.  I showed him some of my art and we talked about losing muses and wishing we still had that spark.  I long for that more than I can even explain.  How I wish I had the time to sit and draw like I used to, or the motivation to finish the book I so dearly want to see done.  I'm not sure how to find that motivation.  It's lost somewhere.  Slowly I think I'm able to kindle a small part of my creativity lately, but motivation is still hard to come by.  Why must I procrastinate so much? 

That is all I have to update. As always my life is a study in grey.  I need to find a way to add more color. 

The tangled web we weave

this is a very random fan fiction.  It's meant only so that one of my friends can better understand something I told her about.  I don't want to get any feedback, I don't want to get into a war with Trolls over how this isn't right in the comic verse, movieverse, or any other verse.  It's right in mine. Also, I did not write all of this. It is a collaborative effort with my friend. I do not own these characters.   And without further ado....


(this picks up in the middle of a scene during a large breakfast where most everyone is hung over and Loki just dropped a spoon in a sink to make a loud noise on purpose.)

It was like a gong in Sif's head and she winced, waiting for the pain to pass. 

"We're staying here?"  She thought that at some point they'd be going back.  It dawned on her, that since the bifrost couldn't be opened from Asgard's side, they'd probably be here some time.

Fandral's eyes were large and round as he stared at Loki but he was not about to say another word that would cause another piece of cutlery to fall.

"Welcome to New Mexico," Loki said quietly as he watched awareness blossom behind Sif's eyes.  Then he caught Thor's expression and felt ire rise again like bile.  He set his mug down and stalked out of the Smith, making sure to slam the door as he went outside.

Thor winced and touched his head as the sound reverberated through it, sighing heavily.

"And here I thought he was being pleasant this morning," Volstagg murmured, having abandoned his apple to hold his head together.

"His anger is at me, my friends," Thor said.  "I am sorry you are also affected."

"But you've just woken up," Volstagg said.  "I don't see what..."

"It could be those marks around his neck," Fandral pointed out with a smile.  "In which case a simple apology might suffice?"

"No," Thor said.  Talking with his brother was not something he wanted to do, especially with his head pounding in time with a mad drummer.  It wasn't something he particularly wanted to do anyway.  He poked at the bagel crumbs on his plate.  "Leave him be.  The fire will settle out of him soon enough."

Loki stood outside the doors of the smith, facing the desert.  His long arms were crossed about his chest and he stood still in the dry morning.

Sif watched Loki through the glass. So much was unspoken between all of them. Time had passed since Loki took over Asgard and tried to kill Thor, but the wounds ran deep. She was uneasy. 

"is he angry about something new, or is it still from before he.." she left the words hanging.

Thor laid his head on his hand, squishing up his cheek as he regarded his brother's back.  Who could really tell what was in that black head of his?  Loki had always been a difficult one to predict, running hot and cold even as a child.  And after the destruction of the Bifrost Thor had been left with so many more questions than answers.  He still didn't know what caused Loki's descent into madness or if he had come back out of it at all.

"I know not," Thor said finally, his deep voice tired.  "Even if I could guess as to what troubles him I will likely pick the wrong thing and make the anger worse.  I still know not what I did to wrong him."

The last part was said quietly, and not without some pain

Taking in a long breath she got up from the table. It was a risk but she thought it was at least worth a try. 

Outside it was cooler than she thought it would be. 

"its a different kind of beautiful." she looked out at the desert. "have you grown to like it in your time here?" 

Loki's eyes were the only thing that moved as Sif walked up, flicking to her and then back to the mountains and the fluffy white morning clouds that drifted over them.

"Yes," he said without realizing why.  Then his mind drifted back to Jane and all of the things that she had shown to him in their relatively short time together.  This place had become so indelibly etched with her presence that he had grown to love it for that alone.  The dryness and the dust and the heat would just always go hand in hand with Jane from then on.

His posture was stiff, anger making him stand ramrod straight, head tilted slightly down, but he relaxed a tiny bit for Sif.  Curiosity made him turn towards her slightly.

 

"Good."  The smell of dust filled her nose.  "I only hope that I can too, since I'll be staying for a while." 

The option to go home was there, but the option to then come back was not.  She didn't want to be stranded in Asgard with no one to talk to.  Everyone she cared about was here.  If they weren't going home, she wasn't going home. 

"I'm sorry that you have to give up your new life here to let us join you.  I can't imagine it's hard after becoming so connected to a person.  Now you have all these intruders on your time."

The wind rustled her hair, sending a shower of gold down her back.  "I'll do my best to stay out of your way.  The others I can't vouch for.  But perhaps if you talk to Thor and set some boundaries, he may be able to rein them in."

Loki closed his eyes and his head dropped to his chest.  If he were one to fidget, as Thor was, he would have kicked at the dust.

"I was kidding myself that it would have lasted much longer," he said, completely ignoring the part about his brother.  "I lied to her.  Lies fall apart eventually."

The wind tossed a tumbleweed across the desert in front of them and Loki lifted his head to watch it.  "I...you are not in my way.  Nor are the Warriors Three, really.  Although I can't say I'm particularly happy to see them, nor are they to see me."

Thor wouldn't listen to the boundaries he wanted to set.  Thor never listened.

 

 Sif wasn't one to take sides, and now was no exception.  Seeing Loki so downtrodden was difficult though, and she felt the need to try and make him better.

It was difficult to see him without the confidence she was used to.  A twinkle in his eye as the wheels turned behind the green pools.  Always thinking, always a step ahead.  Jane had somehow rendered him useless and Sif wasn't okay with it.  Yet, she knew he was past in love.  He was in too deep, and losing her would break him further.  It was a hard line to walk. 

"That is true.  Lies never lead to anything good."  She smiled at him.  "But you've never let that stand in your way before.  I have never seen you let the downfall of your plans get in the way.  You just dance back out and carry on."

The little smile stayed on her lips, wind dancing in her hair.  Maybe she was only making it worse, but someone had to try.  While everyone else was content to tip toe around the issue, at least Sif was going to face Loki one way or another.  

 

Those words grabbed Loki's attention and he turned to regard her fully, eyes open wide.  The full weight of the words hit him like Mjolnir and left him just as stunned.  Sif was right.  Even a child could see that Sif was right; so why hadn't he?

It was the questions' fault.  He had spent every waking moment since Jotunheim questioning everything he had ever learned, everything he had ever known.  Questioning himself most of all.  It was as if he had descended into a low lying fog of doubt and whenever he tried to crawl his way out of the bog something else would be there to stand in his way, to make the questions come back.

"Give me some credit, it has yet to be a day since they last fell apart," he told Sif with a smile.  It was almost like one of his old ones.  "I'm still thinking."

He looked back over the desert, the wheels starting to turn again.  And then he hit a wall he didn't expect to hit: fear.  It was almost as if Sif could see the confidence she had managed to build back up a little bit crumble back to the ground.

She regarded him for a moment, wondering what was going on in his head.  For a moment she thought to offer him an ear if he needed it.  As the only other person that seemed to know the truth behind his relationship with Jane, she was in a unique place to help.  deciding against it was hard, but she knew that Loki would never fully confide in anyone.  Perhaps not even Jane.  She didn't know.  That was how it was with Loki, you never knew.

Like a whisper she left his side and went back inside.  The other men were silent, looking at her. 

"What?"  She arched an eyebrow.  "Just because none of you have the manhood to talk to him, doesn't mean I don't."

 

 

The creation of all that I am

The weight is crushing.  These little lives that we have created are nothing more than a dream and yet the weight of their hearts may very well kill me.  Things are out of control, far beyond my reach.  I intended none of this, yet it happened and I must live with the consequences.  Each turn they take endears them more, pushes harder on my heart.  They hurt and I cry real tears.  They triumph and I dance.  I am past connected, I am one with them.  I want all of them to win and none to lose, like children I want only the best.

How is it that I could have created something fictional that effects me so deeply?  Does it effect others the way I hope that it does?  I bear my soul by creating theirs, and I give it freely to be judged because that's what fiction is for.   Is this what I really am?  I hope so.  This is what I always want to be, deep, emotional and fun. 

Ramblings

Now that I'm not feeling so angsty, I can maybe publish something of merit.  Not that I have much to say.

I am still feeling like nothing has been changed after the letter I wrote to HR.  Mind you my manager has been out of the office a lot more often. I suppose I should take my small victories where I can get them.  Most everything else is out of my control in any shape or form and that's why I feel so frustrated and close to just giving up.  If anything, my letter served to let her know that I may play nice while at work, but I'm watching and I'm not afraid to put myself on the line to make her walk straight.

Not much else is going on in my world.  I found myself being very introspective around 9/11 and thinking about what I believe the day should stand for.  Ten years later, I don't feel as much hatred surrounding the event, or fear.  Today, people honor the bravery of those that lost their lives.  There isn't a person who died that day that wasn't brave for just knowing they were facing their own death.  In the case of the people on the plane, they knew they were going to die but they were going to make sure no one else did if they could help it.  I can not even pretend that I would be that brave faced with the same situation and so I honor that kind of commitment and bravery.   I hope that we continue to move forward, bettering ourselves and learning that hate is not the answer, that hate was the problem.  If anything, the people that died deserve to be the ones really remembered, not those that took their lives.

I have started the first of two baby blankets for my two expecting friends.  I got the chance to show her the yarns in one of the granny squares when I went to her shower.  She said it was perfect and I was overjoyed to know that I had not lost my touch on picking out just the right yarn.  :)  I have the first two skeins of yarn for the second blanket but I haven't started it yet.  I can only do one big project at a time.  I still have to finish my Alice dress.  Vacation is coming up next week so I'm hoping to put in some work then on the costume.  Hopefully I can get it going again and also put a dent in the blanket.  I only have to make 60 squares this time I think so that's a vast improvement over the 160 some odd I had to make for the last one.  I don't think this one will take nearly as long.  At least it better not, since I want to give it to her before the baby is born in November!

I want to read, or write something.  I am so close to finishing my 3 books for this year.  It was my new years resolution to read at least three, since in the past few years I haven't finished one.  It's important to me to get that third book read.  Sadly, one will be the book my district manager forced me to read.  I wish it didn't count as the third book, but at the same time it's a book and if I finish it then I've read three this year.  I can't argue with that. 

The Ladder

Well someone else in my family managed to do something "amazing" and "wonderful" before I have even accomplished something that can be seen as normal.  First my sister gets engaged, and I have to hear about that for months.  Nothing but pictures of her ring and the couple of them together flashing said ring all over facebook.  After that died down my brother, who can do no wrong, is proving himself to be even more amazing in the eyes of anyone looking.  He has decided to move back to Colorado after graduating college.  This of course has elated Tom and he will be on cloud nine throwing himself at the feet of his only God given son.  I will be forgotten.  Anyone that wants to debate me on that, can ask any of my very good friends that have seen this happen any year that Bryan comes to visit.  I'm serious.  It's like he's Jesus and the whole state is made of water.

In the middle of all this my step sister finally popped out her baby.  The baby that nearly cut my dad's visit to see me short, because her mother is a "hover mom."  Now today I have seen no less than four pictures and two posts about the baby, then the baby and her mom, and then the three generations together AND THEN...the four generations together.  Nothing but "OMG she's so great."  "What a miracle."  "She's amazing"  "She's fantastic, what a good mom."(and no response to my personal text message directly to my step mom saying congrats I might add)  On and on and on... I can hear the rungs cracking just before they give way and send me sliding down to the bottom of the ladder.

I don't want to sound like I'm whining, but I know that I am.   I am just so tired of everyone getting all the epic attention.  Everyone else is worth more than I am.  Everyone else has made something of themselves that my family can be proud of.  I have done nothing noteworthy.  I get no attention.  I'm struggling for money, in a dead end job, unable to get a new one no matter how many interviews I go to, I don't even own a house.  How did I fall so far behind?  I'm not even sure.  What bothers me most I suppose is that the people getting the attention are the ones that don't need it.  They don't need help, they don't need encouragement.  I do.  I need to know that while sitting here fighting a battle no one even notices, that I'm brave and I am still doing a good job.  I need to know I'm not a bad person and that I'm worth the love and attention that everyone else seems to get so readily.  I'm tired of holding it together just long enough to get to a quiet moment by myself and then realize how run down, scared and alone I feel.  That's when I cry.  Just because I don't let anyone see it, doesn't mean it doesn't happen.  Is that what strength is?  I doubt it.  I don't feel strong.

I'm not perfect, they are.  Does that make me any less worthy of your praise or love? 

The Want

Thanks to a mention from a friend of mine, I'm looking into DSLR camera's.  I would love to have a great camera for nature shots.  They are very expensive however.  I am battling with the want to have one, and the logical side telling me that there is no possible use and I'd be spending lots of money on.  So far it's just a thought, especially since I haven't found one that I really like.  The Nikon is up there though, and it's the one I always think of.

In other news I have started another baby blanket.  One of the two for my very good friends.  For this one I am using two yarns at once, a white yarn and a multi colored yarn.  It's beautiful so far, looking kind of like an opal and kind of like a snowflake.  :D  That's the best description I can come up with.

I applied for another job the other day.  The opening closes on the 24th, so I doubt I'll hear anything before then.  I may have a chance in hell of getting it, but I'll apply anyway.  Maybe fate will shine on me.  I can only hope, because I want a new job so bad that it's not even funny.   If I could just get a new job I could fix some of the problems plaguing my life, such as i could be happier and nicer to deal with.  That and I would be able to help my roommate with her massive depression.  I don't know how, but I just can't help feeling this would help somehow.

Storms in my Mind

I get very introspective when it rains.  Something about the quiet roll of thunder and patter of raindrops on leaves makes my heart open.  I started thinking about how I'd love to do photography again, after standing on the porch taking shots of glittering water falling from our hanging plant and zucchini flowers.

My grandfather was a photographer, and my dad has always been into it, even if it wasn't professionally.  Last year I was told I had a good eye like my grandpa and I wish I could turn that into a career that I would enjoy.  Then I second guess myself.  I look at my picutres and don't know if they are really any good at all.  No one ever seems to react to them so I don't know if I'm the only one who loves a shot or not.  I also don't really know a darn thing about Photography.

Then I was sitting around listening to some real oldies.  In this world of hip hop, gangsta rap and bad pop we have forgotten about the golden oldies that allowed us to warp music like we have.  Even the old stations that played oldies, now only play a block of music starting in the late 80's and moving forward.  I knew the day would come when the music I grew up with would become "oldies" but I was not prepared for the day when we would lose Buddy Holly, The Zombies and even a good portion of the Beetles.  How can we have forgotten that?  Why does the world assume that no one wants to hear those songs anymore?  I am baffled by this, and I find myself wanting to scoop up the music so that I will still have that part of history to share with my children.  We still have classical stations, why not oldies?

As the world moves forward, I wish some times we'd look back and take a moment to bring something forward again to show the children growing up.  It's their past too and they get cheated quite often.

I'll stop my ranting now and share two pictures I took yesterday after the rain.

Dreaming of You

It makes me sad to know that I will never get to be a part of the insanity that would be Celine's wedding.  Last night I had a dream about that wonderful kind of insanity.  It was exactly how I would imagine her wedding would be.  The bridal party was large and I wasn't included in it directly, but I was still expected to be there to help; her dress was a dollop of white glitter fitted to her exact specifications and we were aboard a flying cruise ship.  Yes, no expense was spared for the youngest of her family and she was borderline bridezilla in a fun way, the fun way that pushed me to my limits and forced me out in the the great world to become someone a little different than I am now.

I am honestly sad that I will not ever get to see this dream become reality.  I know that, although I would likely have to give up a portion of my life for a month or so, it would be worth it and I would inevitably enjoy it.  I would learn to roll with the punches again, I would laugh, I would cry and in the end I would come home changed just a little, because that's how Celine and her mother effected me.  I miss that and every time I think about it, I am heart sick over the thought that I did something to offend them, or something to make them never want to talk to me again.  I still to this day have no idea what that something was.  I wish I did because I could apologize for it.  Not that it would do me any good, but I would at least feel better. 

Two years later and I still dream about a crazy friendship that I treasure.  I don't like losing friends, so I hold on to them in my dreams, hoping one day for their return.  Perhaps for a wedding on cruise ship in the clouds.

Rain

I could sit and listen to the rain fall all night.  The patter of each drop accompanied by a tympani of thunder.

If I could, I would be in it, or at least close to it.  Perhaps in a chair on a patio, watching as the lightning illuminated the world. Blue flashes reflecting off the curves of each cloud.  Showing a brief glimpse of the world now shrouded in darkness. 

My heart is sick, and the slow trickle of a midnight storm seems to be it's one comfort.  Where I am and what I must do makes no differences here.  Every drop consoles my battered soul.  They tell me it's alright, your bravery is not needed here. 

I could cry if I wanted but the sky has taken up that mantle and allowed me a moment of peace.

No news is good news?

Sometimes I think that no news is bad news.  If all you've had is bad news in the first place then it means nothing has changed.  I have no real news to report. 

I have been on vacation for the last week and it's been awesome.  I got to have fun with many of my friends since I actually had time to do it.  Most importantly though, I finished the rainbow blanket!  The 5 month project has been officially finished.  It's beautiful and I will miss it.  I already feel weird not having it on the sofa next to me and not working on some part of it while watching TV.  But I'm so proud of it and I will be even more proud when I get to hand it over to little Matt.  :)  I hope it means as much to him and his littler girl as it has meant to me to make it.  Now lets see if I'm smart enough to figure out how to post a picture in here. :D 

After finishing the blanket, I knew that I wanted to start my next costume and this week off has allowed me to get a good bit done.  It has two main pieces, the dress and an apron.  The apron is almost finished now. I just have to finish the shoulders then attach the top to the bottom.  After that it's just the embellishments like the ribbon I want to go around it and sewing on the little heart buttons.  Then it's on to the main dress.  That will take much longer.  But hey, one piece is essentially out of the way.

Now for the pictures.  I'll only put up two. 

Recovery

I wish I could say I had some writing to post, or some art after my long absence.  Alas, I do not.  I was really sick and I'm just coming to realize how out of it I was.  I'm feeling better now thankfully, so I hope I can make some good forward progress on any or all of my projects. 

There are two things I can claim I managed to do.  I finished making all the squares for the rainbow blanket.  I have begun putting them on the main blanket, which will be nearly as arduous as the making of the 160 some odd granny squares.  This puts me on the home stretch for the rainbow blanket and I can see the finish line.  It's still a ways out but I am that much closer to starting the costume. 

I also just finished my second book of the year!  This may seem like a very small thing to anyone else, but to me it's a huge deal.  I have not finished a book in a long time.  A combination of depression and little time have made me a collector of books, not a reader of books.  This year for my resolution (which I never make, but this year I did) I resolved to read at least three books.  I am now done with two and feeling darn proud of myself.  I can feel myself coming out of the tunnel. 

Trying to catch up.

I am still so sick.  I want to do things like clean, go out, crochet, put away laundry, but I can't.  I'm so tired. On the plus side I have a day off today so I might get some of that done.  I only have 10 more squares to make for Matt's blanket and then all that's left is to put it together.  Then I can start on my costume.  I'm so excited to do that.  :) 

That's all my update for now. Hopefully soon I'll have more to talk about.

People amaze me.

I was just sitting here thinking about how people just amaze me.  Not in a good way mind you.  In that way that makes you want to grab them by their shirt and ask them what the hell is wrong with them. 

Take for example the lady I just helped out yesterday.  Now, I will preface this by saying that I understand when money is tight. But there are some things you just should NOT skimp on.   She was looking for a chest clip for her car seat.  The one she had was gone and her child was able to just pull off the straps.  After getting over the shock of the fact that she'd been driving around with her child in a seat that didn't have a chest clip at all, I asked what kind it was and how old it was an all that.  She of course wouldn't tell me straight out, but I guessed from the kind of car seat that it was very old.  Car seats have expiration dates.  You should not use a car seat that is over that date, it is unsafe, you will be found at fault by your insurance company and your child could suffer some nasty injuries from a seat that does not meet all the current safety standards. (especially if it's so old that there were no real tests or standards done on them)  I briefly tried to explain all of this to her, but she just kept saying that they never go anywhere and they didn't have the money for a new one.  I looked at this kid, who was standing up in the basket of the cart, trying to climb out while she wasn't paying attention and felt sorry for him/her.  Obviously the safety of her child was not a priority in this woman's.  I so wanted to slap her and tell her of all the ways she could get help with one and that she was being irresponsible, but I just put the chest clip in her hand and left my guilt trailing behind me. I hope to God she pulls her head out of her ass some time soon and gets something safe for that kiddo. 

Not all of my head shake moments at work are of the sort that you worry about a child living through it's ride home.  Some are laughable. 

The other day I was walking the floor, making sure everyone was alright and I ran across yet another person on their phone.  People are inseparable from their cell phones these days.  It's kind of sad.  This gal was starting her baby registry and was leaning over her cart looking bored with her head mashed into her shoulder to hold up her phone.  I had run across her at least one other time and she had ignored me completely when I had first tried to make sure she was doing okay.  This time she looked up at me and asked me if she could just turn in her registry gun, it was getting in the way of her phone call.  Somehow keeping a straight face I told her of course she could and directed her to the desk. She never put that phone down once, even as she was leaving the store. 

There are more of course, people who tell you they don't need help but are hopelessly lost and just don't want to admit it.  People that break something because they don't want help, then run away.  My least favorite are the ones that think you are the scum of the earth and give you this look when you ask if they are alright, as if you are diseased.  Not all retail workers are out to steal your soul and your wallet to go with. 

With all that, now I must go get ready to go back to the fun of my retail job. 

It must be rain drops falling from my eyes.

The sun was rising on a dreary day.  It had rained all night, apt for how Audrey felt.  She looked out the window into a grey morning and sighed.  The sidewalk turned an abrupt shade of grey where the patio above her stopped protecting it from the rain.  Water droplets clung to blades of grass, scattering in a shimmer as birds landed, and poked around for breakfast.

Breakfast.  The pit in her stomach made the idea of food unappealing.  Still, if she didn't eat something she'd be in a world of hurt by the time she got to lunch at work.  With all the strength she had, she heaved herself off the window sill and wandered into the kitchen.  The nights events played over and over in her mind.  If even he couldn't have any faith in her then it was little wonder that it felt like the whole world was against her.  Why was she doomed to have to scream, scratch and fight to get anyone to take notice of her?  No matter what happened, no one ever listened to a thing she had to say.

Flakes fell in her bowl, clicking and jostling for space.  Audrey forced herself to blink tired eyes.  The motion caused them to water and she used the back of her hand to wipe them.  They weren't tears, she was too numb to cry now, she'd done that most of the night.

Feelings of night

Wrote this the other night after I got home. 

She watched clouds skim across the face of the moon.  Silver light filtered through, bathing her in a cool glow.  Wind stirred her hair, causing a chill to run through her body.  The world was silent.  It was times like these that Audrey felt alone and at one with her self. A sad and wonderful feeling all at the same time.  More clouds covered the sky in a thin film, just enough to obscure the stars, but reflect a rainbow of colors along their edges.  They were like giant islands of crystal in the night, floating away with her emotions. 

Quick post

I will probably give a tiny update tomorrow, but for tonight, I thought I'd just post the links to the drawings I did the other day.  Enjoy!  (and wow, I have a new watcher.  I feel special.) 

The pic of Audrey

The pic of Sara

Mojo Magic

Yesterday was a bad day.  And my mood proved it.  But even through my murderous glances and grumbling to myself, I still managed to do some magic for myself.

My roommate was sick and because she was mostly in her room I went to hide myself away so that my bad mood wouldn't kill anyone else.  Giving myself actual alone time brought about some awesome stuff. First of all I put away my laundry.  *gasp*  I know, I could hardly believe it myself.  More importantly however, I did some art.  Yes, real honest to goodness art.  Not just some piddly little doodle for a dress design or anything.  It was two pictures that took up the whole bloody page!  I was so proud of them.  It's the first thing I've really drawn, with real concerted effort, in a very long time.  Just like getting to finish that book, I feel amazing for having done not one, but two pieces of art yesterday.   Sure I wasn't writing, but drawing counts sometimes for more.  Especially when one does not have the use of her drawing table because it's currently a sewing table/catch all. 

What I need to do now is get the two pictures scanned in and cleaned up.  I took pictures of them with my phone but the quality is not that hot.  Plus they look like they're in sepia tone.  :D  I do want to get them scanned in and cleaned up, that way I can actually post something to my art page.  Woo!  Go me.  I 'm just starting to break down the dam walls that are surrounding my creativity.  There's nothing better than that.  Mind you I'm doing it with a toothpick but hey, I got a couple drops of water out so I'm making progress.  :D 

Easter rains

I'm feeling not so insecure and whiney now. :D  This is a very good thing.   Mind you the work situation has not improved any and is probably only going to get worse.  *sighs*  I'm just keeping my chin up and soldiering on.  What's that saying?  Keep calm  and carry on?  Or is it Keep calm and eat a cupcake?  Either way I'm in. :) 

It was nice to have Easter off.  I got the chance to do a massive amount of laundry, read my book and thinking about writing.  Think about, not actually do.  I was planning on doing some, but then other family members showed up and there was cooking and grocery shopping and all sorts of other tasks to be done.  The weather was perfect for writing though.  For me anyway.  I don't know why but rain makes me want to write, it kind of calls to my soul. 

I'm not exactly sure what else I wanted to say.  I'm a little tired from fighting with my memory foam bed topper.  XD  hehe.  I guess that's all for tonight.  The roomy is already in bed so I should probably get out of the living room and turn off the lights so she can sleep. 

For some reason today I am just feeling all out of sorts.  I suppose I have work to thank for that.  Yesterday was a very emotional day.  Today I woke up with a headache and just feeling not right.  Everything makes me feel insecure and alone.  I don't quite understand why. 

For instance my boyfriend mentioned that his brother has a new "lady friend."  The first thing I did was get that nasty feeling that I always get when I feel like things are going to change.  It's hard to describe but I get very apprehensive and protective.  Overly protective.  It happens most times when one of my friends gets a new boyfriend/girlfriend.  Now, that said, it doesn't happen every time.  I think of it like my spidey sense for people.  I often think it's just my jealousy being rampant so I just chide myself and eventually decide to let it go.  The thing is I'm rarely wrong when I get that feeling and it's the initial feeling, not the one I end up feeling has changed later.  I've only been off on my thinking once, and it was more that I thought the person would be okay and they just kind of dropped out of my friend's life suddenly.  Not cool.  But I don't think he was a bad person, just not on the same page as she was.  I don't really know.  

Anyway, tomorrow I am going to be forced to meet this new "lady friend."  I was really apprehensive about that in particular.  Now I find myself worrying about the strangest things.  Like that for some reason she is going to force me out of the equation all together.  That my boyfriend might leave me because of this.  I can't imagine how that would happen, and I doubt that would be the case, but I am still feeling insecure about it.  I feel so distanced from him all of a sudden and I don't know why.  

I sound paranoid, I know.  Or crazy, perhaps both.  And maybe I am, but I can't ignore it.  I'd like to blame the dreary weather or the headache I've had all day.  I am hoping when I get up tomorrow all of this will have gone away and I will be back to normal. 

Getting all that out helps.  I think I'll end with a little thingy I wrote yesterday morning while waiting for work.  Not very long, because I didn't have very long to write it.  :D  I wish I'd been able to expand on it.  I love very early mornings, they have so much depth, so much promise.  It feels different, like something is touching my soul, even if it's just briefly as I walk to my car.  The feeling of magic and promise.  I wish I could actually stand and just enjoy it. 

The sun hadn't risen yet, but it was trying; bathing the  sky in a hazy light around the edges.  Moisture was in the air, I could smell it and feel it through a chill in my spine. 

Morning Moon

Veiled like a dancer
The moon hid behind thin clouds
as she descended for her morning nap
The silhouette of mountains
Becoming her bed
as the sun woke
blushing the horizon in pink and blue


The moon was so beautiful this morning.  I sat in my car and watched it as it started to set behind the mountains. It was huge and golden and made the clouds look so pretty.  It was breath taking and I enjoyed getting to watch it.  :)  I don't normally do poetry, but it just came out that way.  I actually jotted it down on my phone first this morning.  hehe. 

Turning a new leaf

I just picked up my old journal, yes, the hand written kind.  I still prefer that to typing, though I can type faster than I can write, which I think is funny.  Anyway, I picked it up and flipped to the last entry.  Almost a year ago I was frustrated and searching for a new job while my current one was going through a change in managers.  Funny, that's exactly what's going on now.  There are a few differences, the amount of interviews, and the amount of new managers, but the biggest difference is that I feel like I'm better.  After this last round of interviews I don't feel resigned or upset, I feel...okay.  Just okay.  Not happy or settled, but okay.  I guess that's a step in the right direction. 

This year I have been trying hard to reconcile with myself.  I've been trying to get myself to mellow out and do somethings I know are good for me and my soul.  I made a resolution at New Years, an odd thing for me.  I gave myself the goal of read three books.  It's not a big goal, it's not even something important or life changing.  But to me it's a big deal.  I haven't finished a book in many years.  But just last month I finished The Lost Symbol and was so excited that I just about threw myself a party.  I've started another book now, one recommended by a former coworker. If I can finish it, that will be two of my goal of three.  That's an exciting thought. 

Its also come to me that I spend far too much time fussing over my computer and need to spend much more on the many projects I have.  Which has then lead me to realize more about myself.  I am working on a baby blanket now for someone, then my friend Carissa told me she was pregnant and now I will be making one for her as well.  Then there is the matter of my Halloween costume, which is a big project this year. I want to get it started very soon, because Carissa is the one taking pictures again this year and if she's too pregnant she won't be in any place to take pictures.  To top off my list of projects is the small, and seemingly easy task of designing a costume for Ben.  You would think this would be easy for me to do, but it's not.  It was the simple question of another former coworker that made me think about something. 

My old co worker, Monika asked me to design her a dress for her second wedding anniversary.  I had to decline because I just don't have the time and I am not talented enough to make a dress with no pattern.  It was at that moment, thinking about how much stuff I have to do, that I realized this is the stuff I should really be doing.  I wish I could do it for my job, but that's harder than anyone thinks.  So I need to start really nurturing these things.  This is the stuff that dreams are made of and that as a child I always wanted to be able to create all these things and I've done it.  I do it well enough that people actually want me to do it for them.  I am really really proud of that.  I may have failed a lot of things in my life so far, but I have succeeded in something that is very important to me without even realizing that I did. 

Its with that thought that I have been able to keep myself sort of happy lately.  Sure I have yet another new manager at work, sure my job sucks and they abuse me in every way possible.  But I have these little things to make me feel worth it.  Add those little things to the people in my life that I love and love me back, and I feel better about my situation.  Granted I'm crazy enough that this could all change tomorrow, but so far this whole week I've been able to be in a really good mood.  Here's hoping that means I'm making a turn around and coming out of this depression. 

New space

I'm not sure exactly what I'm planning on doing here.  I have a blog already but I felt the need to start a new one.  I guess I just needed some new head space. 

Perhaps I'll use it to keep up with my writing.  I dunno.  Anyway.  Yeah.  Here I am.