I just picked up my old journal, yes, the hand written kind. I still prefer that to typing, though I can type faster than I can write, which I think is funny. Anyway, I picked it up and flipped to the last entry. Almost a year ago I was frustrated and searching for a new job while my current one was going through a change in managers. Funny, that's exactly what's going on now. There are a few differences, the amount of interviews, and the amount of new managers, but the biggest difference is that I feel like I'm better. After this last round of interviews I don't feel resigned or upset, I feel...okay. Just okay. Not happy or settled, but okay. I guess that's a step in the right direction.
This year I have been trying hard to reconcile with myself. I've been trying to get myself to mellow out and do somethings I know are good for me and my soul. I made a resolution at New Years, an odd thing for me. I gave myself the goal of read three books. It's not a big goal, it's not even something important or life changing. But to me it's a big deal. I haven't finished a book in many years. But just last month I finished The Lost Symbol and was so excited that I just about threw myself a party. I've started another book now, one recommended by a former coworker. If I can finish it, that will be two of my goal of three. That's an exciting thought.
Its also come to me that I spend far too much time fussing over my computer and need to spend much more on the many projects I have. Which has then lead me to realize more about myself. I am working on a baby blanket now for someone, then my friend Carissa told me she was pregnant and now I will be making one for her as well. Then there is the matter of my Halloween costume, which is a big project this year. I want to get it started very soon, because Carissa is the one taking pictures again this year and if she's too pregnant she won't be in any place to take pictures. To top off my list of projects is the small, and seemingly easy task of designing a costume for Ben. You would think this would be easy for me to do, but it's not. It was the simple question of another former coworker that made me think about something.
My old co worker, Monika asked me to design her a dress for her second wedding anniversary. I had to decline because I just don't have the time and I am not talented enough to make a dress with no pattern. It was at that moment, thinking about how much stuff I have to do, that I realized this is the stuff I should really be doing. I wish I could do it for my job, but that's harder than anyone thinks. So I need to start really nurturing these things. This is the stuff that dreams are made of and that as a child I always wanted to be able to create all these things and I've done it. I do it well enough that people actually want me to do it for them. I am really really proud of that. I may have failed a lot of things in my life so far, but I have succeeded in something that is very important to me without even realizing that I did.
Its with that thought that I have been able to keep myself sort of happy lately. Sure I have yet another new manager at work, sure my job sucks and they abuse me in every way possible. But I have these little things to make me feel worth it. Add those little things to the people in my life that I love and love me back, and I feel better about my situation. Granted I'm crazy enough that this could all change tomorrow, but so far this whole week I've been able to be in a really good mood. Here's hoping that means I'm making a turn around and coming out of this depression.
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