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Wednesday, April 20, 2011

For some reason today I am just feeling all out of sorts.  I suppose I have work to thank for that.  Yesterday was a very emotional day.  Today I woke up with a headache and just feeling not right.  Everything makes me feel insecure and alone.  I don't quite understand why. 

For instance my boyfriend mentioned that his brother has a new "lady friend."  The first thing I did was get that nasty feeling that I always get when I feel like things are going to change.  It's hard to describe but I get very apprehensive and protective.  Overly protective.  It happens most times when one of my friends gets a new boyfriend/girlfriend.  Now, that said, it doesn't happen every time.  I think of it like my spidey sense for people.  I often think it's just my jealousy being rampant so I just chide myself and eventually decide to let it go.  The thing is I'm rarely wrong when I get that feeling and it's the initial feeling, not the one I end up feeling has changed later.  I've only been off on my thinking once, and it was more that I thought the person would be okay and they just kind of dropped out of my friend's life suddenly.  Not cool.  But I don't think he was a bad person, just not on the same page as she was.  I don't really know.  

Anyway, tomorrow I am going to be forced to meet this new "lady friend."  I was really apprehensive about that in particular.  Now I find myself worrying about the strangest things.  Like that for some reason she is going to force me out of the equation all together.  That my boyfriend might leave me because of this.  I can't imagine how that would happen, and I doubt that would be the case, but I am still feeling insecure about it.  I feel so distanced from him all of a sudden and I don't know why.  

I sound paranoid, I know.  Or crazy, perhaps both.  And maybe I am, but I can't ignore it.  I'd like to blame the dreary weather or the headache I've had all day.  I am hoping when I get up tomorrow all of this will have gone away and I will be back to normal. 

Getting all that out helps.  I think I'll end with a little thingy I wrote yesterday morning while waiting for work.  Not very long, because I didn't have very long to write it.  :D  I wish I'd been able to expand on it.  I love very early mornings, they have so much depth, so much promise.  It feels different, like something is touching my soul, even if it's just briefly as I walk to my car.  The feeling of magic and promise.  I wish I could actually stand and just enjoy it. 

The sun hadn't risen yet, but it was trying; bathing the  sky in a hazy light around the edges.  Moisture was in the air, I could smell it and feel it through a chill in my spine. 

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