And another thing

I have to rant, I must get it out of my system.  This time of year just does it to me.  This day in particular does it.  Black Friday.

I work retail, and have for my entire working life.  It's not a glamorous job, and it barely pays my bills, but it's taught me a lot.  It's all I know. This one day out of the year, I find myself angry at the general public.   Sure on any given day John Q. Public is in my store doing stupid things or being a jerk, but hey, that's normal.  I signed up for that.  Mind you, I don't think I fully understood that when I first started working in that little mom and pop store, but I digress. 

Black Friday is nonsense.  It's stupid and John Q Public makes it even worse.  He doesn't seem to understand that the stores are not run by robots.  We don't sleep in the back rooms, ready to pop up the very instant the store opens.  No.  We have families.  We are people.  When you yell at us and call us stupid, it hurts.  When you decide to wait outside of stores for good deals on the Friday following Thanksgiving, we have to be there to let you in.  What does that mean?  That means that many of us have to cut our evenings short so we can go to bed to be up at 2am so we can be at work at 4am and work 10-12 hours.  Or in the case of this year, several people I work with have to just up and leave their Thanksgivings with their families because my sister store opens at 9pm.  That's not fair. 

How would you like it if you had to do that?  You've just eaten and you'd like to sit around enjoying family time or even alone time, but you couldn't because now you have to get up and get ready to go to work.  Everyone else you know is sitting around passed out on the sofa or playing video games or whatever, and you have to leave the one holiday you still get off in a year to wait on a bunch of people who will fight, run each other over and cause general mayhem for 30% off a toy.  Yeah, sounds like the true spirit of giving to me. 

What if it was your daughter/son?  Your granddaughter/grandson?  Would you want them having to drive in the middle of the night?  Would you want them having to deal with throngs of people like that before you've even had your first cup of coffee?  Hell, you'll probably still be in bed when they are calling the police over a fight or a shop lifter.  Remember all those people who got trampled in doorways?  Yeah, John Q Public caused that. 

Hear me out.  Sure the stores make the sales to entice people to come in, but you know what?  They wouldn't do it if no one came.  They couldn't afford to.  It might just allow some of us to enjoy our family time.  I don't choose to get up at 2am tomorrow.  But you choose to make me.  

I get off only two holidays a year; Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I do not get holiday pay for being at work any other time during any other holiday including Easter or the 4th of July.  My company is greedy like that.  And they are greedy enough to decide last year to open our sister store at midnight on Thanksgiving.  This year, they bumped it up to 9pm.  Soon enough we won't get Thanksgiving off at all.  I think that's a tragedy.  Not because of the holiday but because we loose that together time.  I don't get together time with my family.  They are off on days that I am required to work.  I want to be able to enjoy the togetherness of a holiday that is supposed to allow us a break. 

Remember that when you go shopping tomorrow.  Remember that the people behind the counter are real people.  They deserve respect too.  They had to get up so that you could go shopping.  They gave up their holiday so that you could get your discounts. So be nice.  And next time, maybe think twice about that extra 30% off, is it really worth the cost in humanity?  

I'm done ranting now.  I have to go to bed, so I can be up at 2am, 3 if I decide not to eat breakfast. 

rekindling

I have no idea what started it, but all of a sudden I want very badly to draw again.  I want to pick up a pencil and actually draw like I used to.  I was good, I could be better.  I could do so much, but I need to actually DO it.  Much like writing.  Why do I find it so hard to motivate myself to do either of these things for anything other than fun?  If I could get myself to do it seriously I could make money off of some of this stuff.  If I got really serious about it.  I should.  I should at least sit down and color something in photoshop.  But none of it feels comfortable. 

Maybe that's my problem.  I no longer have a space that is really my own to create in.  Before I moved out I had that space.  Now I don't.  And I can't make it either because we have no space.  Tiny apartments do not make for good places to have personal space. 

Idle Fingers

I have been writing every day with my roommate since my birthday week.  It feels good to let my fingers flex while my brain tries to regain some of it's writing ability.  The television has gone unwatched so much so that our DVR is running out of space.  hehe.  I think that's a good thing. 

One of the two babies I have been waiting for arrived at the end of October!  She's beautiful and I can't wait for the chance to meet her in person, even if the blanket I am making for her still isn't done.  I have about 12 more squares to make, but I'm out of yarn and money.  So I started working on the other blanket for the other baby I'm waiting on.  Miss Reilly will be getting a very fluffy blanket.  :D  Miss Anisa is getting a very pretty and sophisticated blanket.  At leas that's how it seems to me.  I should take pictures, especially when I get one of them done. 

Yesterday I discovered that I have a kindred spirit in Thomas at work.  It's been a long time since I"ve connected with someone like that.  I showed him some of my art and we talked about losing muses and wishing we still had that spark.  I long for that more than I can even explain.  How I wish I had the time to sit and draw like I used to, or the motivation to finish the book I so dearly want to see done.  I'm not sure how to find that motivation.  It's lost somewhere.  Slowly I think I'm able to kindle a small part of my creativity lately, but motivation is still hard to come by.  Why must I procrastinate so much? 

That is all I have to update. As always my life is a study in grey.  I need to find a way to add more color. 

The tangled web we weave

this is a very random fan fiction.  It's meant only so that one of my friends can better understand something I told her about.  I don't want to get any feedback, I don't want to get into a war with Trolls over how this isn't right in the comic verse, movieverse, or any other verse.  It's right in mine. Also, I did not write all of this. It is a collaborative effort with my friend. I do not own these characters.   And without further ado....


(this picks up in the middle of a scene during a large breakfast where most everyone is hung over and Loki just dropped a spoon in a sink to make a loud noise on purpose.)

It was like a gong in Sif's head and she winced, waiting for the pain to pass. 

"We're staying here?"  She thought that at some point they'd be going back.  It dawned on her, that since the bifrost couldn't be opened from Asgard's side, they'd probably be here some time.

Fandral's eyes were large and round as he stared at Loki but he was not about to say another word that would cause another piece of cutlery to fall.

"Welcome to New Mexico," Loki said quietly as he watched awareness blossom behind Sif's eyes.  Then he caught Thor's expression and felt ire rise again like bile.  He set his mug down and stalked out of the Smith, making sure to slam the door as he went outside.

Thor winced and touched his head as the sound reverberated through it, sighing heavily.

"And here I thought he was being pleasant this morning," Volstagg murmured, having abandoned his apple to hold his head together.

"His anger is at me, my friends," Thor said.  "I am sorry you are also affected."

"But you've just woken up," Volstagg said.  "I don't see what..."

"It could be those marks around his neck," Fandral pointed out with a smile.  "In which case a simple apology might suffice?"

"No," Thor said.  Talking with his brother was not something he wanted to do, especially with his head pounding in time with a mad drummer.  It wasn't something he particularly wanted to do anyway.  He poked at the bagel crumbs on his plate.  "Leave him be.  The fire will settle out of him soon enough."

Loki stood outside the doors of the smith, facing the desert.  His long arms were crossed about his chest and he stood still in the dry morning.

Sif watched Loki through the glass. So much was unspoken between all of them. Time had passed since Loki took over Asgard and tried to kill Thor, but the wounds ran deep. She was uneasy. 

"is he angry about something new, or is it still from before he.." she left the words hanging.

Thor laid his head on his hand, squishing up his cheek as he regarded his brother's back.  Who could really tell what was in that black head of his?  Loki had always been a difficult one to predict, running hot and cold even as a child.  And after the destruction of the Bifrost Thor had been left with so many more questions than answers.  He still didn't know what caused Loki's descent into madness or if he had come back out of it at all.

"I know not," Thor said finally, his deep voice tired.  "Even if I could guess as to what troubles him I will likely pick the wrong thing and make the anger worse.  I still know not what I did to wrong him."

The last part was said quietly, and not without some pain

Taking in a long breath she got up from the table. It was a risk but she thought it was at least worth a try. 

Outside it was cooler than she thought it would be. 

"its a different kind of beautiful." she looked out at the desert. "have you grown to like it in your time here?" 

Loki's eyes were the only thing that moved as Sif walked up, flicking to her and then back to the mountains and the fluffy white morning clouds that drifted over them.

"Yes," he said without realizing why.  Then his mind drifted back to Jane and all of the things that she had shown to him in their relatively short time together.  This place had become so indelibly etched with her presence that he had grown to love it for that alone.  The dryness and the dust and the heat would just always go hand in hand with Jane from then on.

His posture was stiff, anger making him stand ramrod straight, head tilted slightly down, but he relaxed a tiny bit for Sif.  Curiosity made him turn towards her slightly.

 

"Good."  The smell of dust filled her nose.  "I only hope that I can too, since I'll be staying for a while." 

The option to go home was there, but the option to then come back was not.  She didn't want to be stranded in Asgard with no one to talk to.  Everyone she cared about was here.  If they weren't going home, she wasn't going home. 

"I'm sorry that you have to give up your new life here to let us join you.  I can't imagine it's hard after becoming so connected to a person.  Now you have all these intruders on your time."

The wind rustled her hair, sending a shower of gold down her back.  "I'll do my best to stay out of your way.  The others I can't vouch for.  But perhaps if you talk to Thor and set some boundaries, he may be able to rein them in."

Loki closed his eyes and his head dropped to his chest.  If he were one to fidget, as Thor was, he would have kicked at the dust.

"I was kidding myself that it would have lasted much longer," he said, completely ignoring the part about his brother.  "I lied to her.  Lies fall apart eventually."

The wind tossed a tumbleweed across the desert in front of them and Loki lifted his head to watch it.  "I...you are not in my way.  Nor are the Warriors Three, really.  Although I can't say I'm particularly happy to see them, nor are they to see me."

Thor wouldn't listen to the boundaries he wanted to set.  Thor never listened.

 

 Sif wasn't one to take sides, and now was no exception.  Seeing Loki so downtrodden was difficult though, and she felt the need to try and make him better.

It was difficult to see him without the confidence she was used to.  A twinkle in his eye as the wheels turned behind the green pools.  Always thinking, always a step ahead.  Jane had somehow rendered him useless and Sif wasn't okay with it.  Yet, she knew he was past in love.  He was in too deep, and losing her would break him further.  It was a hard line to walk. 

"That is true.  Lies never lead to anything good."  She smiled at him.  "But you've never let that stand in your way before.  I have never seen you let the downfall of your plans get in the way.  You just dance back out and carry on."

The little smile stayed on her lips, wind dancing in her hair.  Maybe she was only making it worse, but someone had to try.  While everyone else was content to tip toe around the issue, at least Sif was going to face Loki one way or another.  

 

Those words grabbed Loki's attention and he turned to regard her fully, eyes open wide.  The full weight of the words hit him like Mjolnir and left him just as stunned.  Sif was right.  Even a child could see that Sif was right; so why hadn't he?

It was the questions' fault.  He had spent every waking moment since Jotunheim questioning everything he had ever learned, everything he had ever known.  Questioning himself most of all.  It was as if he had descended into a low lying fog of doubt and whenever he tried to crawl his way out of the bog something else would be there to stand in his way, to make the questions come back.

"Give me some credit, it has yet to be a day since they last fell apart," he told Sif with a smile.  It was almost like one of his old ones.  "I'm still thinking."

He looked back over the desert, the wheels starting to turn again.  And then he hit a wall he didn't expect to hit: fear.  It was almost as if Sif could see the confidence she had managed to build back up a little bit crumble back to the ground.

She regarded him for a moment, wondering what was going on in his head.  For a moment she thought to offer him an ear if he needed it.  As the only other person that seemed to know the truth behind his relationship with Jane, she was in a unique place to help.  deciding against it was hard, but she knew that Loki would never fully confide in anyone.  Perhaps not even Jane.  She didn't know.  That was how it was with Loki, you never knew.

Like a whisper she left his side and went back inside.  The other men were silent, looking at her. 

"What?"  She arched an eyebrow.  "Just because none of you have the manhood to talk to him, doesn't mean I don't."

 

 

The creation of all that I am

The weight is crushing.  These little lives that we have created are nothing more than a dream and yet the weight of their hearts may very well kill me.  Things are out of control, far beyond my reach.  I intended none of this, yet it happened and I must live with the consequences.  Each turn they take endears them more, pushes harder on my heart.  They hurt and I cry real tears.  They triumph and I dance.  I am past connected, I am one with them.  I want all of them to win and none to lose, like children I want only the best.

How is it that I could have created something fictional that effects me so deeply?  Does it effect others the way I hope that it does?  I bear my soul by creating theirs, and I give it freely to be judged because that's what fiction is for.   Is this what I really am?  I hope so.  This is what I always want to be, deep, emotional and fun. 

Ramblings

Now that I'm not feeling so angsty, I can maybe publish something of merit.  Not that I have much to say.

I am still feeling like nothing has been changed after the letter I wrote to HR.  Mind you my manager has been out of the office a lot more often. I suppose I should take my small victories where I can get them.  Most everything else is out of my control in any shape or form and that's why I feel so frustrated and close to just giving up.  If anything, my letter served to let her know that I may play nice while at work, but I'm watching and I'm not afraid to put myself on the line to make her walk straight.

Not much else is going on in my world.  I found myself being very introspective around 9/11 and thinking about what I believe the day should stand for.  Ten years later, I don't feel as much hatred surrounding the event, or fear.  Today, people honor the bravery of those that lost their lives.  There isn't a person who died that day that wasn't brave for just knowing they were facing their own death.  In the case of the people on the plane, they knew they were going to die but they were going to make sure no one else did if they could help it.  I can not even pretend that I would be that brave faced with the same situation and so I honor that kind of commitment and bravery.   I hope that we continue to move forward, bettering ourselves and learning that hate is not the answer, that hate was the problem.  If anything, the people that died deserve to be the ones really remembered, not those that took their lives.

I have started the first of two baby blankets for my two expecting friends.  I got the chance to show her the yarns in one of the granny squares when I went to her shower.  She said it was perfect and I was overjoyed to know that I had not lost my touch on picking out just the right yarn.  :)  I have the first two skeins of yarn for the second blanket but I haven't started it yet.  I can only do one big project at a time.  I still have to finish my Alice dress.  Vacation is coming up next week so I'm hoping to put in some work then on the costume.  Hopefully I can get it going again and also put a dent in the blanket.  I only have to make 60 squares this time I think so that's a vast improvement over the 160 some odd I had to make for the last one.  I don't think this one will take nearly as long.  At least it better not, since I want to give it to her before the baby is born in November!

I want to read, or write something.  I am so close to finishing my 3 books for this year.  It was my new years resolution to read at least three, since in the past few years I haven't finished one.  It's important to me to get that third book read.  Sadly, one will be the book my district manager forced me to read.  I wish it didn't count as the third book, but at the same time it's a book and if I finish it then I've read three this year.  I can't argue with that. 

The Ladder

Well someone else in my family managed to do something "amazing" and "wonderful" before I have even accomplished something that can be seen as normal.  First my sister gets engaged, and I have to hear about that for months.  Nothing but pictures of her ring and the couple of them together flashing said ring all over facebook.  After that died down my brother, who can do no wrong, is proving himself to be even more amazing in the eyes of anyone looking.  He has decided to move back to Colorado after graduating college.  This of course has elated Tom and he will be on cloud nine throwing himself at the feet of his only God given son.  I will be forgotten.  Anyone that wants to debate me on that, can ask any of my very good friends that have seen this happen any year that Bryan comes to visit.  I'm serious.  It's like he's Jesus and the whole state is made of water.

In the middle of all this my step sister finally popped out her baby.  The baby that nearly cut my dad's visit to see me short, because her mother is a "hover mom."  Now today I have seen no less than four pictures and two posts about the baby, then the baby and her mom, and then the three generations together AND THEN...the four generations together.  Nothing but "OMG she's so great."  "What a miracle."  "She's amazing"  "She's fantastic, what a good mom."(and no response to my personal text message directly to my step mom saying congrats I might add)  On and on and on... I can hear the rungs cracking just before they give way and send me sliding down to the bottom of the ladder.

I don't want to sound like I'm whining, but I know that I am.   I am just so tired of everyone getting all the epic attention.  Everyone else is worth more than I am.  Everyone else has made something of themselves that my family can be proud of.  I have done nothing noteworthy.  I get no attention.  I'm struggling for money, in a dead end job, unable to get a new one no matter how many interviews I go to, I don't even own a house.  How did I fall so far behind?  I'm not even sure.  What bothers me most I suppose is that the people getting the attention are the ones that don't need it.  They don't need help, they don't need encouragement.  I do.  I need to know that while sitting here fighting a battle no one even notices, that I'm brave and I am still doing a good job.  I need to know I'm not a bad person and that I'm worth the love and attention that everyone else seems to get so readily.  I'm tired of holding it together just long enough to get to a quiet moment by myself and then realize how run down, scared and alone I feel.  That's when I cry.  Just because I don't let anyone see it, doesn't mean it doesn't happen.  Is that what strength is?  I doubt it.  I don't feel strong.

I'm not perfect, they are.  Does that make me any less worthy of your praise or love?